Twenty questions for authors, none about writing. Some questions are not in the form of a question. (Previous Q&As may be found HERE.)

This week we have JOSHUA ALLEN, author of Fireland.com and the Best Twitter Feed Ever.

JA: Gary Burrito

2. Satan hoofs up and says two words to you. What are they?

JA: Up top!

3. Give us an A+ summer song.

JA: The coda of “Rock Lobster” where they’re doing marine life sound effects and the guitar gets ominous like a late night party in some stranger’s backyard. [YouTube]

4. What is the worst injury you’ve ever sustained?

JA: Probably getting my hand slammed in a car door. I don’t put myself in situations where physical harm is a possibility. Never broken a bone. My one scar is from when I sliced off a little part of my finger while peeling a peach. I am hardly even a man at this point.

5. Form a supergroup using any four musicians, living or dead, that would be thoroughly awesome to experience, for better or worse.

JA:  Prince, Sleigh Bells, Animal from The Muppets.

6. What was your best Halloween costume?

JA: SIGH! I already wrote about it here!

7. Tell us something you built.

JA: A scale model of a castle complete with turrets made out of coffee cans, a working drawbridge made out of tongue depressors and dental floss, and a blacksmith’s fire made of red and orange cellophane. This was like third grade, right before I decided it’d be easier to just write things.

8. If you could safely have one non-domesticated animal as a lifelong companion, what would it be? (Fantasy creatures are allowed.)

JA: A gay centaur. Is that redundant? A centaur. Regular centaur.

9. What do you like to grow?

JA: Luxuriant ear hair, evidently.

10. Name a thing you love that nobody else you personally know also loves.

JA: Sinbad. The comedian, I mean.

11. How would you like those eggs?

JA: Harvested for $$$

12. What’s the worst thing about your favorite holiday?

JA: Nothing. On Opposite Day! Which is not my favorite holiday. Or is it?? No.

13. You’ve just been turned into a lousy superhero. Who are you, and who is your nemesis?

JA: Quiet Man, who uses his power of Silent Glaring whenever Loud Man whips out his WOOHOO ray.

14. Name a thought that has profoundly scared you in the night.

JA: I’m going to die of a heart attack before accomplishing anything worthwhile in this life.

15. You’re stinking rich. What’s the first thing you add to your home?

JA: Fancy cocaine.

16. What are you up to this weekend?

JA: Normal cocaine + Bejeweled marathon.

17. Which color makes you feel the most comfortable? The most anxious?

JA: This one time I looked at a bottle of the Sea Minerals scent of Method hand soap and, no joke, thought: That is the most beautiful of all the colors. I guess Pink Grapefruit makes me the most anxious.

18. What is the strangest job you ever had?

JA: Dealing with complaints about porn that old people found on the internet. Also the best job I ever had.

19. I mean honestly: aren’t you better off living without ___?

JA: Caring.

20. James Cameron discovers something new at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. What do you hope it is?

JA: Alien from The Abyss to be my lifelong companion! Forget what I said about the centaur.

Joshua Allen writes increasingly short stories on the internet.

Web site: Official Author Site and Fireland Twitter