Twenty questions for authors, none about writing. Some questions are not in the form of a question. (Previous Q&As may be found HERE.)
JA: Gary Burrito
2. Satan hoofs up and says two words to you. What are they?
JA: Up top!
3. Give us an A+ summer song.
JA: The coda of “Rock Lobster” where they’re doing marine life sound effects and the guitar gets ominous like a late night party in some stranger’s backyard. [YouTube]
4. What is the worst injury you’ve ever sustained?
JA: Probably getting my hand slammed in a car door. I don’t put myself in situations where physical harm is a possibility. Never broken a bone. My one scar is from when I sliced off a little part of my finger while peeling a peach. I am hardly even a man at this point.
5. Form a supergroup using any four musicians, living or dead, that would be thoroughly awesome to experience, for better or worse.
JA: Prince, Sleigh Bells, Animal from The Muppets.
6. What was your best Halloween costume?
JA: SIGH! I already wrote about it here!
7. Tell us something you built.
JA: A scale model of a castle complete with turrets made out of coffee cans, a working drawbridge made out of tongue depressors and dental floss, and a blacksmith’s fire made of red and orange cellophane. This was like third grade, right before I decided it’d be easier to just write things.
8. If you could safely have one non-domesticated animal as a lifelong companion, what would it be? (Fantasy creatures are allowed.)
JA: A gay centaur. Is that redundant? A centaur. Regular centaur.
9. What do you like to grow?
JA: Luxuriant ear hair, evidently.
10. Name a thing you love that nobody else you personally know also loves.
JA: Sinbad. The comedian, I mean.
11. How would you like those eggs?
JA: Harvested for $$$
12. What’s the worst thing about your favorite holiday?
JA: Nothing. On Opposite Day! Which is not my favorite holiday. Or is it?? No.
13. You’ve just been turned into a lousy superhero. Who are you, and who is your nemesis?
JA: Quiet Man, who uses his power of Silent Glaring whenever Loud Man whips out his WOOHOO ray.
14. Name a thought that has profoundly scared you in the night.
JA: I’m going to die of a heart attack before accomplishing anything worthwhile in this life.
15. You’re stinking rich. What’s the first thing you add to your home?
JA: Fancy cocaine.
16. What are you up to this weekend?
JA: Normal cocaine + Bejeweled marathon.
17. Which color makes you feel the most comfortable? The most anxious?
JA: This one time I looked at a bottle of the Sea Minerals scent of Method hand soap and, no joke, thought: That is the most beautiful of all the colors. I guess Pink Grapefruit makes me the most anxious.
18. What is the strangest job you ever had?
JA: Dealing with complaints about porn that old people found on the internet. Also the best job I ever had.
19. I mean honestly: aren’t you better off living without ___?
20. James Cameron discovers something new at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. What do you hope it is?
JA: Alien from The Abyss to be my lifelong companion! Forget what I said about the centaur.
Joshua Allen writes increasingly short stories on the internet.